I think my life is falling apart, is yours too?

"The splendid thing about falling apart silently is that you can start over as many times as you like." ~ Sanober Khan, A Thousand Flamingos

Hello beautiful human,

How was this Sunday? What are your plans for the coming week? I hope you are looking to the next week with anticipation. I hope that you get healthy and healing.

I want to write these newsletters on Saturday evenings and leisurely send them out on Sunday mornings. I really really want to do that. That would be such an ideal scenario, wouldn’t it? But, we the creatures of habit follow our habits and not ideals (mostly). I have seen that my creativity needs time to flourish in the weekend or so I think before I put it out on paper. I am planning to keep this newsletter short and sweet. Right now, there is too much going on in my life and if I put everything out in this one, it is going to be all over the place. We don’t want to be confused, do we?

This newsletter is going to be a closure from me to me. It might trigger you. It might give you a direction, any answer you are looking for. Or it might mean nothing to you at all. All of these responses are fine because we are all in different places on our journeys. What might have been a fiasco in my life, might be common sense for you.

The highlight of the last week was the 16-hour long car travel with my dad. Now, we have traveled together before the pandemic. Generally, we don’t go long distances by car but because of the conditions and situations, it was the best option. We went to see a doctor in the neighboring city. The journey was a big lesson. I am still learning what I could from it. After we started at 7 am, it started raining. We have a fairly 20 years old car that my dad can’t let go of. He is deeply connected to it for the memories it holds for him. With the rain, the vision blinded, things got hazy and we had to move slowly and carefully. On some roads, there was enough water to reach the full length of tires. My dad is really good at driving. He managed to drive through everything that came our way and reach our destination in 4.5 hours at 11:30 am. I have admired the ease with which he drives.

Somehow, we reached the place. I saw the doctor and got my prescription. He had to run some errands. Slowly, we got everything done. Then we went to a relative’s before taking leave. The whole day was exhausting, to say the least. I am not the type of person to be excited by the thought of traveling without taking a rest. We were already late when we started the journey at 6 pm. The sun was setting slowly and it was getting difficult to drive at night. Remarkably he was able to drive well and safely and we reached around 11 pm. I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep. What I missed was seeing my father exhausted. He has this habit of putting up a strong face and not taking any rest. He has burned out in a way that he cannot stop working and doing things now. I wanted to help him but I do not know about driving. I couldn’t have helped him that day. I felt powerless and paralyzed at that moment. Harder than that were the realizations that hit me.

The hardest part as a grown-up is to see your parents growing old. Nobody prepares you for what is to come next in your life. It becomes a constant longing to have had more time together than communication gaps. You get to see them in their whole humanness. You get to see them in their own trauma, patterns, problems, healing, learning and evolving. There are too many emotions to comprehend - too many open wounds that fill up slowly. You have seen them as complete people who made your life incomplete in some or another way. But then you see them as the incomplete human being who did the best they could with whatever they knew best. It is the state of forgiveness, of endless love and joy, of not holding grudges or resentments, of not blaming the other for your life, simply accepting that what happened was the only way it could have happened. It cannot be any other way. You accept it and you move on. You hold love and compassion in your heart. You hold space for them and yourself. Whatever emotions flow through you, you let them flow. You can cry for hours or you can laugh about the whole cycle of life. You see yourself as you wanted them to see you. You see yourself as you wanted to be seen, heard, loved - unconditionally, non-judgementally, wholly, truly. You become the parent you needed. You see yourself with kindness. You radiate the same kindness to them. Your healing is done. You have healed. And so it is.


Reflections from my life

As I am writing the above lines, I am reminded of my friends who lost their parents in their early years. They were heartbroken and felt guilty. They wanted to do more things together but did not have time. When I talked to them, I could feel their guilt and grief. I can sense the emotions they carry. Life is short and fragile. We get so lost in things like work and career that we forget what is truly important for us. What is it that we are working so hard for? Is it the money or the promotion or creating comfort for our family to spend time together? Neither of these is a bad choice but in the end, we are social creatures. You may need people around you. Do you have those strong social connections with people you consider family?


Question for you

How is your relationship with both of your parents?

(You don’t need to tell me but take some time to reflect on this.)


Conversations from my life

Me: “I have no idea what is happening. It is like everything I have built until now is crumbling slowly. I do not know what is happening to my career, work, relationships, and myself. My life seems to be falling apart.”

H: “Why is it life falling apart and not life making space for new beginnings?”

It had been an hour while she listened to me. We talked after so long. H is a close confidante and friend. One of those friends you call when you need counsel. You trust these people because they don’t have a biased day-to-day idea of your life.

Changes tend to throw me off balance. I have feared the truth, change, and confrontation. These are my kryptonite but they don’t destroy me, they evolve me if I use them the right way. The changes in my life are shaking me up. Things are not in my control. That is a hard place to be for a control-freak mind. I need to surrender to life, to my soul, to the universe. Surrender has been the hardest lesson for me. I have this masculine energy of doing and making things happen. If you know me, I cannot sit still. I have something brewing up in my mind or I am occupied with creating something new. Surrender feels like inaction and waiting for things to happen which it certainly is not. I am still learning about what surrender is and how to embrace it. Do you feel this way ever?

Take care, beautiful human!

Until the next newsletter,

Your writer friend,

Shubhangi

Bask in the Love of the universe and Shine in your own Light!