Be who you needed when you were younger
Eventually, you will come to understand that love heals everything, and love is all there is. ~ Gary Zukav
Hello beautiful human,
How was your week? How was the official rejuvenation day aka your Sunday? Did you get enough time to do that thing you have been long postponing for the good days?
This week has been particularly heavy for me. Nothing significant had happened. I felt drained and fatigued a lot. So much so, that I took two days off work to recover. A lot of old patterns, conversations, hurt, trauma, memories, and moments kept flaring up throughout the week. As much as I want to put this blame on the outside world, I know there are a lot of things that I am still recovering from. These things still keep me from being the best self I want to show up as. I know this is not about reaching a destination. There is no destination in the healing journey. There is no destination in the self-discovery journey. There is no destination in the journey of life, so enjoy the journey.
Conversations from my life
I feel that time is slowing down and speeding up at the same pace. Do you feel the same way? I had two conversations this week and both of them made me think opposite ways about time. I know that times have changed since the beginning of 2020 and we are living in a new world and even though a lot of time has passed, we are still unable to grasp the meaning and significance of this shift.
Me: Hey, is it your birthday? Wasn’t it a few days back?
(I checked chat history. It was a year back when I wished her.)
Me: Sorry, I have lost sense of time. Belated happy birthday.!
S: It’s ok di. Pandemic is doing that to everyone.
Me: I hope you enjoyed the day. :)
S: Yeah, I did.
As I look back on that conversation, I realize how fast time seems to be moving. Maybe it’s because we don’t have that many milestones to show for it. Earlier, we would have a lot to show about the year - travel, shopping, party, movies, night-outs, but now, it’s all just poof into the air.
Me: I feel like time has slowed down. Like I am moving so slow and everyone seems to be going at such a speed. Two of my teammates left the team to join other companies. Three colleagues who joined with me have gone for MS in the states. Quite a few people I know got married last year. And here I am sitting through with this mess of a life I have made and trying to sort it out. Time feels so slow like the clock isn’t ticking for me.
S: Yes, I agree. I thought I was the only one feeling this way. I am glad I am not alone.
This was an impromptu conversation I had with a friend just yesterday. As I reflect on this conversation, I feel a certain stuckness within me, that I am not moving or maybe not moving fast enough. I can now see that it is my ego trying to seek control of my current reality and keep repeating those old patterns. It is not the calm person that I am when I am grounded enough with meditation or journaling or breathing. It is the racecourse sort of mind that doesn’t want to be left behind. What is it anyway? Who am I competing against? Who is it that is the benchmark of success? Who has researched that if you achieve this milestone by this age you will be eternally happy? Nobody. And nobody who really understands it will tell you to follow that route. I understand this but I often forget it. So it’s alright if you feel lost today. It’s alright that you keep stepping up slowly and even when you fall. Life has no destination. Life is a journey and the journey is everything!
Why should you listen to your intuition?
I got triggered by the message. Why was this person messaging me? When I have made myself abundantly clear with my (passive-aggressive) behavior that I am in no mood for talking? And on top of that, they are sending these annoying question marks after every message. Why would I reply to them after the question marks if I had not replied to them before?
This was a very frustrated person. This person was me and you are looking at the exact thoughts my brain had for those two minutes.
I didn’t want to feel that way anymore. I felt like shit. I didn’t like this angry repulsive reactive person at that moment. I caught it in the earliest stage and started this conversation.
Calm voice: What is it about the message that is troubling me?
I thought about it for a few moments.
Angry voice: It was a casual message - nothing hurtful. The question marks kind of were too much. But there wasn’t anything troubling about it.
Calm voice: What is it that is troubling me?
Less angry voice: I don’t want to reply to this message. And this person doesn’t want to stop. They want to ask about all the details about all members of my family in the text. I don’t want to text right now. I don’t feel like it. I don’t have the energy for it.
Calm voice: Why am I focusing on replying right now?
Less angry voice: I feel obligated to reply to them. I am confused. I am not listening to my need to rest. I feel like I should rest. But I think I should reply to this message. It is kind of rude to keep people waiting.
Calm voice: What is it like to force yourself into doing what you don’t want to do?
Sad voice: I don’t like that. I feel like I am forcing myself, I am not mad at them. I am mad at myself. I cannot hold that boundary. I cannot give myself space. I feel like everyone will think I am a bad person if I just give myself some space to breathe and relax. I don’t like being on social media for these people. I want to come when I want to and leave when I want to. I don’t like talking to a lot of people all the time. It is draining for me. I am an introvert and I don’t like socializing on low energy. I know the world rewards people who are so extroverted. I think I should have talked to this person because she might need some help or morale or support or something. I know it is not a happy road down the path of should. I have set this expectation in others’ minds somehow and it doesn’t serve me well. I am afraid people will not like me. I am afraid I might just be alone.
Calm voice: You are not alone. Relax for some time. It is all under control.
I am not always able to bring that calm voice in the picture every time. I am a recovering flawed fellow human being. Just the awareness of when I am losing myself is the first step to bringing myself back. I know it is not an easy road. It has taken me months to reach this place. If you are still struggling with emotional outbursts, try breathing, meditation, or journaling and stick to it. Even if you fail, don’t give up. If there is anything you can give yourself, give yourself time and love - lots of it. You deserve the healing you are looking for.
Once I was more grounded I had the idea of calling up a friend. We haven’t talked for a while. After a few attempts and missed calls, we were finally chatting. There were loads to catch up on from each other’s lives. We had some heart-to-heart conversations. After some time, she told me she wasn’t having a good day and she was really glad that I called her, it had lifted her spirits. I felt so calm and happy.
I knew that I listened to my intuition when I knew I didn’t want to feel the way I did. I knew that I listened to my intuition when I called up my friend. I know that you should listen to your intuition when you want to go from not such a good place to a good place. It will guide you wherever you are.
Why did I start writing these newsletters?
This is the 16th newsletter in this journey. Kudos! I have come a long way from the first draft of this newsletter. As much as I wanted it to be a life-changing split-second decision to write this newsletter, it wasn’t. I always wanted to write but never knew what. If I wanted to write my experience, I didn’t know if anyone wanted to read it anyways. But, here you are. And thank you for being here. I am so grateful to you for being a part of my journey. If this is the first newsletter you are reading, then go out and check others, you might find something you resonate with.
I remember that day in college a friend of mine posted a WhatsApp status. I do not remember the exact events of the day, but I remember the words of the status.
Be who you needed when you were younger.
It struck a chord. I always needed a mentor, a guide, and didn’t have one. It was the saddest part of my journey. I decided that when I could, I would serve it as my purpose to be the light-bearer for anyone looking for some help. I knew I wanted to help others and serve my purpose. Nonetheless, I made mistakes, sometimes getting myself into trouble.
When I lay in my bed on my 24th birthday last year, I knew there was something wrong with my health. I knew my body was developing rashes and my temperature was going up. I was afraid to die. I was afraid because I did not live like the person I wanted. I lived like the person everyone else wanted me to be. I am yet a recovering people-pleaser, you might get that idea from the above story as well.
Somehow I decided that night that I wanted to share everything I had with the world. I had to leave my legacy. On that day, I believed. I believed in myself and my purpose. I have no idea what I did or did not do that day, the next day my rashes were gone and my temperature returned to normal. I felt better. It was a wake-up call. It was my soul pushing me forward to do things I have long been postponing. After a delay of few months, I started writing these letters. These letters are not time-bound or space-bound in any way. These letters are relevant to anyone looking for their answers. I try to put all the love I can in these letters. I hope they meet you where you are and they take you to a better place.
Question for you
Which emotions are you holding back today?
Bonus question for you
Which emotions are holding you back today?
I am sorry if I am not in your inbox at the same time every week. I know that it would be a lot more successful if I show up at the same time every week. And as much as I want to do that, I want to give myself the grace of processing everything I have gone through the week, absorbing and accepting it as a part of life, and reflecting on it in these letters. This is not a commercialized newsletter - pure labor of love. As much as I know love, you can only give so much love to the other person as much as you can hold for yourself. If I don’t love myself enough love to be patient with myself, how can my love spill in this newsletter for you? I hope you remain patient with these letters of love and healing. I hope you are loving yourself as you are, being patient with yourself, accepting all parts of you - even the ones you are working on changing. We are in this together.
Take care, beautiful human!
With lots of love and light,
Your writer friend,
PS: The next newsletter is going to be a big update on the decluttering project.